Tuesday, January 28, 2014

ughhh I hate forgetting things

So I couldn't sleep last night again. I was exhausted and wanted to. My brain wanted to. My body however was against the idea so instead I spent 2 hours in a half doze waking up fully as my muscles twitched and my joints sent stabs of pain to my brain. My hands are still shaking and my legs are still twitchy. The inflammation is bad today. I feel like my face is twice the size it usually is.

I took a sleeping pill around 7am after I took a hot shower to help me relax. I slept until I got a call at about 4pm. From my new PT guy. I had missed my appointment. Hell, I didn't even remember I had an appointment. I don't remember making the appointment. So I called their desk and scheduled one for tomorrow morning. 1015am is super early but better than trying to get there during rush hour. I feel so horrible for forgetting about it but I still don't remember making that appointment at all. I wrote tomorrows down on my whiteboard next to the info for saturday's doctors visit. I should have done that in the first place with the one I missed today but clearly I wasn't exactly in a good head place. This keeps happening more and more. I can't think so often it's driving me up a wall. I should be able to code memory and recall it. My long term memory recall isn't working so hot either. I can't tell if this is a side effect from the medication, from the chronic pain and inflammation or something else. Some new symptom of my ever increasing list of stuff that is wrong with me.

I hate that I can't work. I am so unreliable that I don't feel it would be fair to try to start a new job and frankly I don't know if I can manage the work. I want to be in a spa doing skin therapy so badly. But how am I going to give a facial or body treatment when my hands aren't working right? When I look so horrible that I don't want to go outside and show my face. When I have to use a cane to keep my balance when I am standing still. I had filed for disability and haven't heard anything back yet. I'll have to fix essentially everything after my next doctors appointment anyway so I don't really care yet. It takes so long anyway that by the time they make a decision I'll have 10x more new information for them than they can handle. I need to do it though. I can't work like this. Maybe after we get the right medications? Right. I have so little hope there. We haven't yet and while I am willing to try new ones and new combinations what reason do I have to hope that there is something out there that will make me better? I know I can't actually give up hope but it's so hard to have it dashed so often. It's hard to remember to hope when you're so nauseus you can't even think about eating, or when trying to get dressed is an adventure in not falling over, or when you haven't been able to sleep more than an hour or two at a time in a few days because your muscles are spasming every time you lie down.

Maybe I just need to go be around people? Recycle is tonight. I could go, get some water from the awesome bartender there and sit and listen to music while watching people dance. I might even dance a song or two myself. I don't really want to though. I feel so apart from the people there, even my friends. It kills me to stand there and watch while feeling so different from everyone. It hurts to know that I have to choose between dancing and moving tomorrow. I do have PT tomorrow so I really shouldn't dance. -sigh- I guess that means another night at home. Alone. Again.

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