Monday, January 13, 2014

I want my life back

I've been doing pretty poorly, especially since I lost my job. I feel like in the last year I have given up my life to my pain and it's just not okay. I stopped rock climbing and fencing over two years ago now, I stopped hiking and martial arts over the last year. The only exercise I have let myself do is walking in town and swimming. I am too afraid of hurting myself. I don't dance anymore.

I can't do this.

I thought about this all of last night when I couldn't sleep. I am in the same position I was a year ago, nothing has changed except now I am too scared to do anything I love.

I went for an hour long walk downtown with sinbad today.
Tomorrow night I am going to recycle and I am going to dance. Even if it's only one song.
I am going to dance.

And later this week I am going to go to the rock gym.

If I fall and hurt myself I am going to be in no worse of a position as I am now and maybe allowing myself to do the things I love will help me get through this funk I have been in. Depression due to chronic illness is more debilitating sometimes than the pain and I just can't do it.

I will have my life back damnit.

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