de/vision Rage

Last night I killed you in my dream
I was afraid it felt so real

Every time I hear that song I feel like it's my body singing a song to me. Its own sick twisted version of a lullaby.

Everybody is addicted
Underneath the skin
My rage is but an image of the
World I'm living in

I sing some parts back to myself. Usually I dance. When I can. Addiction. Heh. The medications are so addicting, its another terror to think of having to change them again.

Rage
My rage
Is taking over
Pain
Your pain
Will soon be over

I can't help but think that the only way the pain will be over is death but I have to have hope right? Maybe the next treatment. The next procedure. The next round of steroids. Will be my last and I will live like a normal person again.

Rage
My rage
Is taking over
Pain
Your pain

It makes me so angry sometimes. That's not just the steroids but they help fuel it. And then the pain takes over and I just hurt. I am just tired.

Last night I killed you in my dream
Today I'm gonna make it real

I worry about the side effects from these medicines for so long.
disc disease can't kill me.
But the medication can

Everyone's a sinner, baby
And so are you
We don't really need a reason
For the things we do

I know I haven't lived the best life, or been the best person I could be but still. I don't deserve this. But disease doesn't need a reason does it.

Rage
My rage
Is taking over
Pain
Your pain
Will soon be over

This big angry ball of pain and weakness is inhabiting my body with me.

Rage
My rage
Is taking over
Pain
Your pain

Taking me over and trying to make my world nothing but pain. Each day it succeeds a little more and I fight futilely to keep moving. Try another medication to keep it back but it morphs again and again, slipping around the medications. For every week I feel okay I get two where I don't. I hope that someday in the future that will be a better ratio but a part of me is so sure that it won't. That it will get worse. That some day the pain will take over and I'll be the parasite living in my body, not able to really live.

My rage
Your pain