Hearts and Lungs

I have a doctors appointment saturday morning with my PCP. Woo.

My heart and lungs have been freaking me out and so painful that I have to talk to her about it. Again. I told her what was going on the first time I went in and she put me on a new anti-inflammatory to try to help calm things down. It's only gotten worse. It's to the point now where it's painful to breathe more often than not, where every day my heart feels like it suddenly jumps into triple time and hurts, it constantly feels like I am wearing a chest compressor. I can't handle it anymore. It keeps me from sleeping. I didn't sleep more than 3 hours at a time for essentially 4 days in the last week. I managed to sleep okay last night through sheer exhaustion.

To make up for it I have spent most of my day shaking uncontrollably. My hands are shaking so bad that I can barely use them. It feels like I am shivering from cold only I have been hot all day. I don't have a fever that I can tell but still. I had to stop driving for a while today and sit to eat because I was shaking so bad I didn't feel like I should drive. I nearly drove myself to the hospital. If I hadn't managed to calm down over the course of like 15 min I would have.

Feeling so out of control of my body is scaring me. It's worse than the pain and nausea. Feeling like I have no control over how I move is a nightmare. I have never done street drugs, I rarely ever got drunk (and don't drink at all anymore) because I want to be in control of myself. Instead my health is taking that away and there is nothing I can do to get it back.

It's amazing how much we take things like being able to take a breath of air comfortably for granted.